Reality

I watch a lot of TV shows, play video games, watch a couple of films and read manga from time to time. But I watch TV Shows almost all day, every day.

A few times in my life I notice when I’m excessively watching something – I have cycles of viewing patterns. So for instance, right now as I type this, I am watching Season 4 of Castle for the third time in as many years.

It’s my go-to show for when I know that things are bad again – or at least, getting worse in some way. I try and avoid facing my mental health as much as possible – hence why I haven’t published anything for a long while.

 

Anyway. The whole point of this train of thought – I don’t like to question myself or my motives behind my actions.

 

I immerse myself in other worlds, other realities, because I hate my own so much.

 

I feel like the only time I have any strong emotions is when it’s tied to a character arc or plot point, like emotions only exist in the fantasy space because in my reality, I am emotionless. I’m just constantly numb and having to pretend that you’re genuinely smiling or laughing or just anything other than “Not Okay” is just that – pretending.

The only time my chest hurts from anguish or warmth, the only time I cry or laugh is from an emotional scene on a moving screen. The only real love story is between two-dimensional, black and white characters in manga.

Coming back to reality after losing yourself in something that doesn’t exist just crashes you back to Earth with an almighty thud every single time an episode ends. Reminding you that your life will never be that great, that fulfilled, that interesting. Just another reminder that you can’t have that love and acceptance that every “normal” person in the world has.

 

Why do I do this to myself?