Future plans

Listening to music on the way home,  Jess Glynne came on, and her song “I Ain’t Got Far to Go” took on a while new meaning for me. 

Some backstory first. My immediate family are really sporty and healthy. My Dad windsurfs every week, my mum teaches Pilates, my brother and his girlfriend surfs and rock climbs… You get the idea. I don’t do anything. 

And yeah, I’m a little larger than them. I’m not on the ‘healthy’ range of the BMI scale. And it does bug me. 

But the other thing to understand, is that for years I was deeply depressed and comfort ate, putting on about a stone a year. And so far, I’ve lost about a stone and a half in a year. Woo yay!! 

But still, I don’t have a huge motivation to exercise. When you despise your body – regardless of what weight you are – there’s not a huge amount of motivation behind giving a shit about your body. HOWEVER. Now I’m working towards something concrete. Not just losing weight to be a more attractive female, and then having to deal with that dysphoria of being even more feminine looking, but now, to gain a more masculine physique, there’s a lot more riding on losing weight. It’ll help future surgery, it’ll help me to pass better… 

Anyway. Back to the Jess Glynne song. The lyrics of the chorus are:

“Cause I spent forever waiting / And it’s no longer a dream / And now I’ve landed on my feet / And I ain’t got far to go”

I was dancing along and having a boogie, and the lyrics made me think. They resonated with me,  cause I’m on the right path. And me dancing along made me think, when I’ve got the body I want, (AKA, removed the tits) how I can do whatever I want. No longer held back by feeling self-conscious, hating how I jiggle in the wrong places. No physical barrier between me and feeling comfortable just doing exercise.

I could take up street dancing. SUP’ing. Get really into a sport, like Boxing or basketball. The world will really, truly be my oyster. Have something that I really can enjoy, once I’m really, truly free. 

And yes, surgery is a long way in the future. I just have to be optimistic and think, I ain’t got far to go. 

Facebook Profile Photo #2

Long overdue in this series, which at this rate, I’ll never finish…

This is the second instalment of Truth Behind Images.

(I like to think of this as the thing that will make this blog popular… here’s hoping.)

Sorry for the crappy quality, this was way back in 2008. I think the photo is older than that still, possibly 2006? Anyway, guess which one is me.

Yup, right in the middle, total show off, looking the wrong way with a bright pink bag.

To this day I still love this photo of me. It’s one of the only “school trip” photos that I like. Mainly cause I wasn’t trying to be too girly.

Interestingly, a vast majority of the girls that went on this trip also ended up to be gay in some form or another, which is probably why I think this was my most enjoyable school trip – cause I was among people like me.

Nothing much else to be said about this – I was pretty content with this. I like how boyish I look, yet I’m still going “look, I’m a girl, I’ve got a pink bag” – when in reality, even at the time, I hated that bag for being pink. I liked how big it was and the giant star on it though…

Reality

I watch a lot of TV shows, play video games, watch a couple of films and read manga from time to time. But I watch TV Shows almost all day, every day.

A few times in my life I notice when I’m excessively watching something – I have cycles of viewing patterns. So for instance, right now as I type this, I am watching Season 4 of Castle for the third time in as many years.

It’s my go-to show for when I know that things are bad again – or at least, getting worse in some way. I try and avoid facing my mental health as much as possible – hence why I haven’t published anything for a long while.

 

Anyway. The whole point of this train of thought – I don’t like to question myself or my motives behind my actions.

 

I immerse myself in other worlds, other realities, because I hate my own so much.

 

I feel like the only time I have any strong emotions is when it’s tied to a character arc or plot point, like emotions only exist in the fantasy space because in my reality, I am emotionless. I’m just constantly numb and having to pretend that you’re genuinely smiling or laughing or just anything other than “Not Okay” is just that – pretending.

The only time my chest hurts from anguish or warmth, the only time I cry or laugh is from an emotional scene on a moving screen. The only real love story is between two-dimensional, black and white characters in manga.

Coming back to reality after losing yourself in something that doesn’t exist just crashes you back to Earth with an almighty thud every single time an episode ends. Reminding you that your life will never be that great, that fulfilled, that interesting. Just another reminder that you can’t have that love and acceptance that every “normal” person in the world has.

 

Why do I do this to myself?

 

Indirect Facebook Status

(This could start a theme, y’know. “Things I want to say on Facebook, but according to social and political reasons, am too scared to” – or is that title too long? Hmm. I think I’ll stick with “Indirect Facebook Status”.)

I really need to use this profile more, but adding friends is one of the trickiest problems I’m having. Sometimes – sorry to those affected – this has been the way I’ve come out to them. I just assume everyone knows cause (as most of you know) I’m a very open person – I will talk to you about anything, no matter how gross! (I have no filter xD)

I also assume everyone knows because this has been me for my whole life. Just under veils of pretence and bullshit, sure, but this isn’t exactly new. This isn’t some snap decision, no matter what you might think.

I washed my hair in 2014. Drying it, hating it, I realised. Why the fuck am I doing this. I hate it. When has trying to be something I’m not become so easy, so mundane?  Fuck this.

I cut all my hair off while it was still wet.

——

I never told anyone the truth of why I cut my hair short until now. Well, I’d had enough. I knew who I was inside, and I thought it was high time the world knew too. No more pretending. I

t took me almost a year later to actually genuinely do something about it. 2 years to make this [male] profile, to really come out.

It’s only in hindsight that everything becomes oh so clearer. Why I was doing anything. Making any kind of decisions – getting piercings. Tattoos. Haircuts. Desperately trying to make myself feel better.

It’s why I’ve fallen out with so many people too. Pushed people away…

This is the one thing I want to be open about – but it’s such a huge risk I’m taking. I’m opening myself up to judgement and confusion when this weird profile adds you. Then you find out. Then you judge…

God, just typing this out is so fucking hard. But I’ve reached a point where I don’t care anymore. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I know there will be people that bash me for using a platform like this to communicate something so important, but honestly (theme of the day here) it’s the easiest thing for me to write it down, to share with the people I want to share this with. It’s also my way of rebuilding relationships with you, my friends, my family.

Because really, all I want is to just be honest. With myself, with you. And maybe some acceptance, that would be nice.

xo, EJ

(note – for some reason the paragraphing isn’t working properly. Apologies if this is harder visually to read.)

First Post

☀️🌞 Hello, world! 🌞☀️ 

Now that I’ve got an upbeat yet awkward greeting out of the way, let’s never do that again and continue.

The whole reason of me starting this blog is because I don’t really have a lot of people to talk to about this, and I needed somewhere to share my thoughts without judgement, with complete freedom.

I started this blog because I was really, really low the other night. Almost-giving-up kind of low.

I mean, what better way to start a blog  something than at the moment you wanted to attempt suicide, again. Hahaaaa…

(God, I hate the word blog. I shall never use it again henceforth.)

So this is how I felt last night.

“I can’t stand living like this.
It’s not living. Forcing myself to be female and squashing down my dysphoria.

Doubting my conviction at every turn, being a coward and hiding in the wrong identity. Too chickenshit to do anything about my life and situation. Laughing off the pain and too terrified to be myself.

Fuck this shit. Why do I even bother. I’ll be an ugly dude anyway and no one will ever truly love me completely”

Soooooo yeah. Pretty damn low.

But hey, I survived myself. I am my own worst enemy and as much as I want to give up… I’ve barely  even begun. So I can’t justify throwing in the towel before anything’s actually happened.

I don’t know if that was the dumbest thing ever, deciding to put myself through hell, a fate worse than death, trying to transition and live a fulfilling life, or to quit while I was ahead by killing myself would’ve been wise to spare the pain of existence.

But hey. Living, breathing, being – existing is pain.

xo, Emmett Jules