First Post

☀️🌞 Hello, world! 🌞☀️ 

Now that I’ve got an upbeat yet awkward greeting out of the way, let’s never do that again and continue.

The whole reason of me starting this blog is because I don’t really have a lot of people to talk to about this, and I needed somewhere to share my thoughts without judgement, with complete freedom.

I started this blog because I was really, really low the other night. Almost-giving-up kind of low.

I mean, what better way to start a blog  something than at the moment you wanted to attempt suicide, again. Hahaaaa…

(God, I hate the word blog. I shall never use it again henceforth.)

So this is how I felt last night.

“I can’t stand living like this.
It’s not living. Forcing myself to be female and squashing down my dysphoria.

Doubting my conviction at every turn, being a coward and hiding in the wrong identity. Too chickenshit to do anything about my life and situation. Laughing off the pain and too terrified to be myself.

Fuck this shit. Why do I even bother. I’ll be an ugly dude anyway and no one will ever truly love me completely”

Soooooo yeah. Pretty damn low.

But hey, I survived myself. I am my own worst enemy and as much as I want to give up… I’ve barely  even begun. So I can’t justify throwing in the towel before anything’s actually happened.

I don’t know if that was the dumbest thing ever, deciding to put myself through hell, a fate worse than death, trying to transition and live a fulfilling life, or to quit while I was ahead by killing myself would’ve been wise to spare the pain of existence.

But hey. Living, breathing, being – existing is pain.

xo, Emmett Jules